Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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