She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I want her autograph on my taint
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
