Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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