her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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