my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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