I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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