got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
