is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
