I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
