you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Come see our sink grown plant.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
