Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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