Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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