It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
