So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
