Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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