my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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