he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
