He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My day in three words: secret purse cake
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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