I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
