guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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