This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
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as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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