Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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