he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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