You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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