If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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