Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
