can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
