I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
