I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
