my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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