Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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