we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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