My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
