you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
