She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
