the condom got lost in my hair
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
