Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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