Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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