im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you never un-have a 4some
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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