i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
