I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
