So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
