By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
