i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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