I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
