It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
