when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
