while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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