Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
