My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you traded sex for a burrito?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
