tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
