Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And then my night got REAL pukey
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
