If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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