Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
