"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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