I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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