Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
